The Tough Stuff: My OCD Story
Written By Courtney Psenicka
Trigger Warning: This edition discusses sensitive topics, including harm and postpartum mental health issues. Please read at your own discretion.
Happy Tuesday, friends! Welcome to another edition of The Tough Stuff.
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about how to share this story, and whether I wanted to detail my experiences with OCD—especially how it’s shaped my journey in motherhood. People who don’t understand OCD often jump to conclusions about what it looks like. And for a long time, I’ve been ashamed to talk about it, worried about how others might perceive me. But the whole reason I started this newsletter and podcast was to give people the space to feel seen and heard. Maybe you have OCD, or anxiety, or another mental health condition. Maybe you just want to understand because someone you care about is going through something similar.
No matter why you’re reading today, please know this isn’t easy for me to share. But I’d be doing myself—and this community—a disservice if I didn’t show up here, real and raw, sharing my experience. So, grab your coffee (and maybe a box of tissues), and let’s dive in.
What is OCD?
OCD stands for Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. Here’s how it works: Obsessions are unwanted, repetitive (intrusive) thoughts that cause intense anxiety. In response, we try to relieve that anxiety by performing certain mental or physical actions (compulsions). The catch is, compulsions don’t actually ease the anxiety in the long run. Instead, they feed the cycle, making the OCD worse. This is what’s called the OCD loop.
While you’re reading, you might think, “Oh my gosh, I’ve had intrusive thoughts like that before. Does that mean I have OCD?” The short answer is: everyone has intrusive thoughts. The difference is that with OCD, those thoughts take hold and we’re unable to let go of them. Instead of letting the thought pass, we fixate, trying to figure it out or to prevent the feared outcome. But here’s the problem, we can never be 100% certain about anything in life, except that we’re all going to die someday. So, the OCD brain convinces us that if something is even slightly possible, it’s definitely going to happen.
That’s where treatment comes in. We need to learn to live with uncertainty. The goal is to train our brains to accept that while the feared outcome is possible, the chance of it happening is so small it’s not worth obsessing over. The treatment for OCD is actually very similar to what’s used for other anxiety disorders or phobias—ERP (Exposure and Response Prevention). I will dive into what this treatment looks like in a future newsletter.
My Journey with OCD
I was officially diagnosed with OCD at age 25 (this past September), but looking back, I can see signs of it throughout my entire life. OCD has shown up in many different ways, changing its “theme” or focus over the years. An OCD subtype refers to the specific category of obsessions a person experiences. There are common themes, but our obsessions don’t have to fit neatly into one category to be OCD.
Some common OCD subtypes include:
Taboo thoughts (sexual or violent thoughts that feel completely out of character)
Contamination OCD (fear of germs, getting sick, or spreading illness)
Pedophilic OCD (intrusive sexual thoughts about children)
Relationship OCD (fears that you don’t really love your partner)
Scrupulosity OCD (moral or religious fears, like the fear of being a bad person)
Postpartum OCD (fear of harming your baby or that your baby might die)
Harm OCD (fear of unintentionally or intentionally hurting someone)
It’s important to note that these obsessions are ego dystonic—they go against your values. So, the distress they cause is extreme because the thoughts don’t align with who you are, your value system or what you want.
My First Experience with OCD: Childhood
My first experience with OCD was in first grade. I had just been hospitalized for Kawasaki disease, a rare illness that causes inflammation in the blood vessels. I had a real fear of dying after my illness, and this fear manifested as Contamination OCD—I washed my hands obsessively after being in public or touching things other people had touched. I washed them to the point where they would crack and bleed. At the time, my parents just thought it was typical anxiety after being sick, so they locked the bathroom door to stop me from compulsively washing. It worked.
But the fears didn’t stop there. Throughout my childhood, I would ask my parents constantly, “Are you going to die?” Reassurance-seeking is one of the most common compulsions in OCD. I didn’t have a formal diagnosis yet, but looking back, it was clearly OCD. My psychiatrist didn’t recognize it at the time, because I kept most of my thoughts to myself and my parents just called me a “worrier.”
(little first grade Courtney right around the time I was experiencing my first OCD experience)
OCD Reappears in My 20s
In my early 20s, OCD made a comeback. I’d decided to stop taking my anxiety medication, feeling like I was in a good place. I had moved to Wisconsin, started my career as a personal trainer, and was in a great relationship. Life was going well…until one day, while driving to work, I had an intrusive thought: “What if I don’t actually love my partner, and I’m just using him?”
If you have OCD, you know what it feels like when one of these thoughts takes hold. The wave of anxiety is overwhelming. This marked the beginning of my Relationship OCD. I became consumed with the thought, compulsively researching it, seeking reassurance from my partner, and constantly asking if it bothered him. Over time, my compulsions started to reduce, and the thought eventually passed.
(Thriving in my 20’s as a personal trainer when OCD reappeared for me.)
Harm OCD: The Theme That Took Hold
Later that same year, I had another intrusive thought, this time while watching a true-crime series on Netflix. The show featured a brutal murder scene, and suddenly, I thought, “What if I did that—and liked it?” I spiraled into more terrifying thoughts: “What if I’m a serial killer?” “What if I hurt my partner?” I know how silly that sounds, but in my OCD brain, it was a real fear.
I started compulsively avoiding sharp objects and confessing my thoughts to my partner, looking for reassurance. But the truth is, reassurance-seeking only makes OCD worse. The more I sought comfort, the more my OCD grew.
I knew I needed help. So, I went back to my doctor and started medication again. While it helped, I still didn’t have a diagnosis. The cycle continued.
Motherhood and Postpartum OCD
When I became pregnant, I thought my anxiety was under control. I was so excited to become a mom. But, as anyone with OCD knows, the disorder latches onto what you value most. And for me, my most important value was motherhood.
At the end of my pregnancy, after hearing about a tragic case involving a mother with postpartum psychosis, I became terrified I would experience the same thing. At 37 weeks pregnant, I was in the kitchen chopping vegetables when the thought hit: “What if I stab myself in the stomach?” From there, the fears spiraled. “What if I hurt my baby?” “What if I develop postpartum psychosis?” This turned into a panic attack.
I ended up in the emergency room, where I tried explaining what I was feeling. But the staff didn’t understand OCD, common in many hospital settings, and suggested inpatient treatment. I didn’t feel seen, so I left feeling worse than before.
Eventually, my therapist suggested I might be dealing with Postpartum OCD, but she couldn’t formally diagnose me. Still, I started to engage in compulsions again—avoiding knives, researching symptoms of postpartum psychosis, and asking my partner if he thought I was “going crazy.” I was terrified of being alone.
(29 weeks pregnant, OCD starting to appear for me worse than it has before, but still enjoying every minute I can of pregnancy)
The First Weeks of Motherhood
When I gave birth to my daughter it was the best moment of my life. The first few weeks of her life were spent figuring out how to care for a tiny human. Three weeks postpartum my partner had to return to work. As soon as I was alone with her, the OCD came back full force. This time, my intrusive thoughts were about harming her. I was terrified that this was who I am and I might hurt her (OCD has a very sly way of making us feel like we are our obsessions.) It was heartbreaking because all I wanted was to be a loving mom, but OCD was telling me that I was the opposite.
I knew I couldn’t handle my OCD alone, so I went back on medication and spent some time with family to get back on track. Slowly, my bond with my daughter grew stronger, and I found the courage to continue my recovery journey.
(on August 6, 2023, despite OCD getting worse, my beautiful Daughter, Nora is born)
Living with OCD: A Lifelong Journey
While the first year of motherhood was one of the hardest years of my life, it was also the most rewarding. I’ve learned that OCD doesn’t just go away—it’s something I must manage for the rest of my life. I’ve accepted that medication will likely be part of my life for a long time, but that doesn’t mean OCD gets to control me.
The point is this: I’m committed to doing whatever it takes to manage OCD so that I can experience motherhood on my terms, without allowing OCD to run my life. This past September, a relapse led me to a treatment program where I received both a conclusive OCD diagnosis and the tools to learn to live effectively with it. The bright side of my relapse is it led me to a greater purpose of sharing openly and advocating for others.
(prepping Thanksgiving dinner with my daughter who is now 1 and a half in the midst of my OCD relapse. AKA Doing the scary thing and fighting back against who my OCD tells me I am)
A Final Thought
If you’ve read up to this point, thank you. Sharing my story has been gut-wrenching, but worth it if others feel less alone.
OCD isn’t talked about enough, especially when it comes to motherhood. Many parents are ashamed or scared to speak up, afraid it will make them seem unfit. This is a big reason that “Postpartum OCD” is rarely talked about when mothers are educated on Postpartum mental health conditions. Many mom’s are scared to open up about these intrusions, but speaking up is the first step to raising awareness around this disorder. The truth is, the very thing we love most—our children—is the thing OCD targets. The only way to get control back is to show up, speak up and do the hard work, despite the fear.
Whatever you’re facing today, whether it’s fear of starting something new or a difficult personal challenge, remember: we can live alongside fear. We can still do the things that matter to us—even if we're scared.
Will you let fear hold you back, or will you take it along with you and live the life you want and deserve?
With love and gratitude,
The Mindful Mom
Court
Knowing you before I understood your struggle makes me love you even more. You, my friend, are a wonderful writer. Thank you for what you’re doing and for sharing your story.
Soooooo proud of you and your progress ❤️❤️❤️💯